Until I had you
- By: Maricruz Ferrari LCSW
I waited for your arrival with anticipation and eagerness. I prepared myself to be your most dedicated teacher not knowing the roles would quickly reverse, and you would end up teaching me so much about life and myself.
Until I had you, I didn’t know the human heart could love so intensely. Your presence in my life has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. Loving you comes so easily and fills my heart with so much joy.
Until I had you, I understood that being a stay-at-home mother is wholly underestimated, and people have no idea how hard it is to give up your personal goals to devote yourself to your children. At the same time, I learned how hard it is to return to work and not be present for all those milestones I would rather not miss.
Until I had you, I didn’t know how strong my body and mind were. I didn't think I could subject myself to an exhausting routine and yet, find it in me to be there for you every time you need me.
Until I had you, I didn’t know a plan was meant to be broken time and time again. Every day we wake up hoping to embark on a specific adventure, but we are easily derailed and finish the day doing the opposite.
Until I had you, I learned to question my behavior, thought and judgment continually. You make me want to be a better person, and that inspires me to restructure my life regularly.
Until I had you, I learned to live in the present and the now, understanding this is indeed what we have — no regrets or remorse about the past and no delayed happiness for the future.
Until I had you, I didn’t know my heart had unexplored dark corners that could doom me. Every time someone hurts you or I see you suffering, new emotions surface that make me want to protect you from others.
Until I had you, I understood that letting go is the most profound sign of love. Allowing you to separate from me and grow independently to reach your potential is something I struggle with daily. Nevertheless, I understand letting you flourish is my duty so you can live a fulfilling life.
Until I had you, nobody was capable of pressing my emotional buttons so easily; you can send me from total love to complete anger in a matter of seconds. Yet, forgiveness is never questionable between us.
Until I had you, I rediscovered the beauty on the small things in life like the rainbow that shows when the sun hits the soap while I do dishes, like the bees in our garden working hardly at pollination or the trail of ants walking on the sidewalk. I rediscovered the smell of the ocean, the sunshine on my skin, the colors on the flowers and all the beauty nature shares with us.
Until I had you, I realized life granted me the gift of motherhood to elevate my spiritual status through love and struggle. I’m forever grateful for your presence and all the beautiful turmoil you bring into my life.
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Maricruz Ferrari is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has worked in healthcare for multiple years. Throughout her career, she has provided supportive services to people struggling with numerous psychosocial stressors, including parenting issues. Although nowadays there is more information available on effective parenting techniques, many parents are still hesitant to share their honest feelings, especially the negative ones. Maricruz’s purpose is to help parents in need to enhance their relationship with their children by showing them practical ways to cope with their parenting struggles.